22nd November 2016

15:28 GMT

I’m now in transit, flying free to the rest of the world (currently been flying to South Africa for two and a half hours) and have decided I’m going to document my thoughts after each trip so I can keep everyone updated when I can’t speak to them directly.

As I haven’t been anywhere yet, I’ll leave you with a diary of my flight to South Africa with Emirates airline. There’s a connect flight so this bit will just be applicable to England to Dubai, we’ll do Dubai to South Africa after… maybe.

Firstly, the food was disappointing given that Emirates are voted the no.1 airline in the world but I did enjoy this weird plastic spoon which was tiny but long.

I couldn’t figure out what it was for at first as there was also a metal teaspoon provided but I figured it must have been the walking stick prop for Moses’ divided mammary sea they made out of cheesecake.

It was like some sort of innovative in-flight entertainment/lunch amalgamation and I liked that. I’d like to say that for that reason that I can’t fault the in-flight entertainment but unfortunately I can. Although out of Emirates control, the new BFG film was atrocious. The variety of films available is extensive and there are some good choices but I mistakenly risked the new live-action BFG after being warned only two days before that it’s not that good. Sophie is portrayed as an obnoxious goody two shoes little brat, the kind of child I hate. She was shy and adorable in the original. I turned it off and wrote this instead. She’s not cute anymore, she’s just a little idiot.

16:09 GMT

I really am having a great time on the aeroplane. I went to the toilet (brief toilet door review: difficult to operate in the dark – couldn’t tell where the handle was. Old man standing nearby helped me. Turned out there isn’t a handle, it’s a folding/sliding door. Old man must have had previous experience with the door) where I took a photo of my face then came back and noticed that someone was lying across some seats. Turns out the arm rests can be folded up so I’ve now gone from this:

To this:

I also have my good friend Laura Brant to thank for this as she helped me to strategically choose my seat. Based on the theory that because the end seat of my row was already reserved: if I reserved the window seat, it was unlikely anyone would choose the middle seat and therefore there was chance of an empty middle seat, thus resulting in potential bonus comfort for both confirmed parties. Rejoice, my neighbour moved earlier in the flight due to a technical issue with her telly; the whole row is mine.

19:57 GMT (23:57 UST)

After a nice snooze in my improvised bed, I awaken in Dubai, a new person. I am a disorientated mole, crawling out of the ground into a planetarium:

They’re even playing Starman by David Bowie. AGAIN, might I add… I welcomed it whilst preparing to take off but you don’t just recycle it on the way out as well. I know it’s relevant to the ceiling stars but why play it on the way in if you’re gunna do this? Poor playlist organisation. I expect better, there are loads of songs.

23:33 GMT (03:33 Dubai time)

I’m now back on an aeroplane preparing to take off to South Africa and after 4 hours in Dubai International Airport, I really don’t have much to rrreport other than I nearly took £110 worth of dirham (Dubai currency) out because I selected the smallest amount the cash machine showed assuming it would be like £10 but luckily it showed me the conversion before it came out so I got to cancel… don’t ever guess. They had the best public wifi I’ve ever experienced, I have absolutely no excuse for this act of idiocy.

They’re bloody playing Starman on the aeroplane again. I can’t believe it.

Okay, Emirates are forgiven for providing me with such amusement; they’re now playing Flying Without Wings by Westlife so a special shoutout to anyone on flight EK772 who has a phobia of flying: you can do it.
Definitely forgiven. Next on the playlist is I Believe I Can Fly by R Kelly, they’re playing musical puns aren’t they?

23:50 GMT

I love free stuff. Look at the freebies on this flight:

And on that note, I’m off to sleep because I’ve hit the sodding jackpot, I’ve got a whole row to myself again. I get to sleep like this on my longest aeroplane journey I have booked so far:
I am a happy Laura.

09:30 SAST (South Africa Time)

I set an alarm to secure breakfast, although there was no need as Emirates supply this selection of stickers:

A highly commendable act. Mine is of course stuck to my seat, I took this from a free seat for documentation purposes.

11:40 SAST

The plane has landed. They didn’t play Starman for a fourth time and now I’m annoyed about the inconsistency. I also noted that there was no lanky spoon on this flight.